i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Randomize
