I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
