i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
