Four minutes until I can fart!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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