Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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