how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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