True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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