you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
