i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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