I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
my phone needs a breathalizer
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
