i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
