Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
