She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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