The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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