how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
