I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
