just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
