we're chasing vodka with high fives
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
