I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
