nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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