why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize