some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
