Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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