:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i was born a porn star she said
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
