I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
