I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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