the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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