i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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