my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
