cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
