I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize