Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
