Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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