i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
