i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
