maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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