I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
