she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
