I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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