The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
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