I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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