Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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