She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
