I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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