I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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