Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
