fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize