dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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