I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
