it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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