I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Girls should come with a carfax report
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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