So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
