i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
