we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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