what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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